Struggle Bus

Struggling with mental illness is one of the worst things this life has to offer. It feels like my brain is constantly trying to attack me and completely rob me of hope. Through a lot of work, I’ve been able to get a lot better at suppressing them, but they are far from being gone. I can control my thoughts fairly well, but the feelings that come as a result of chemicals not firing correctly and not thoughts are a lot harder. So when those feelings of hopelessness and depression come, it’s hard to come back from, especially because when there’s no reason, my brain goes through everything wrong in my life to try and find a reason for my feelings.

Two of my best friends got married yesterday. They have been my example of love ever since I met them because they’re both so selfless. The love they have is so evident. I was lucky enough to be asked to be a part of their wedding. Seeing her walk down the aisle and hearing their vows, knowing every single word they were saying was true all made me cry because I know firsthand from watching them that it was from the heart. During the ceremony and reception, I was so ecstatic and happy for them. But then those dark thoughts came after they’d left and I was on my way back to the hotel. You’re never going to have that, how could you? You’re not capable of loving like that and you’re sure as hell not capable of being loved like that. Even if you ever do get married, are you going to choke up looking her in the eyes and professing your love for her? No because you’re always going to have to settle in life and especially in your relationships, whispered my brain to me in the dark car. Despite the fact that there were four other people in the car, I felt so alone. It was funny because earlier that day, I was telling my friend that life was all about waiting for a love like that and learning how to be okay with being alone until then, and I meant it. Just a few hours later, I was on the verge of tears because I didn’t believe that I could ever find that.

And that’s what mental illnesses do. They attack you when you’re vulnerable and they wring you dry. They show no mercy. They take beautiful things and find a way to turn them sour and use that against you. The discouraging thing about all this is that these illnesses aren’t third parties that are attacking you, it’s your own self working against you. I’ve gotten good at being alone with just myself and my thoughts, I’ve even grown to enjoy it when balanced with extroverted activities, because I’m an extrovert at heart. Yet that’s not enough to stop the feelings of hopelessness and the thoughts as a result, because the thing that terrifies me is the underlying thought of, what if they’re not wrong? As of right now, I cannot tell myself that I am going to find love because I don’t believe it. I can’t tell myself I’ll get better one day for the same exact reason. All these thoughts that pervade my mind all have the single underlying theme of being irrefutable because they’re the insecurities of my subconscious. The only approach I can think of to combat these is similar to that of a terminal disease. I just have to learn how to handle and manage the illness and find a way to decrease the pain. And that’s something I’m getting better at but I’ve still got a long way to go.